November 27, 2013
The phone rang at 6:38am; it was her. Her water broke, she was on her way to the hospital. He was coming. I ran to the bathroom got dressed and we immediately began packing. I woke up the boys saying, "Our baby is coming!"; Micah jumped on Jo's bed and yelled, "Wake up! Caleb is being born!". The kids were amazing. They got dressed and ready within minutes. I was panicking and making beds, unloading the dishwasher and cleaning. I told you…I was panicked. We dropped off the kids with James' parents and headed down to the hospital.
On the way we prayed, and prayed. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe our emotions. It was all happening so quickly. It had not even been a year since our journey began and here we were, on the way to meet our son.
I want to be really raw, and open about everything in our time in the hospital, but there are things that I can't share…and I don't want to. Some things are just meant to be private. Adoption is a very sacred thing, and being such; things need to be kept close to the heart.
Caleb was born at 10:06am via c-section. Around 11:05 a nurse knocked on the door to our room and asked if we wanted to meet him. I practically ran into the hallway and peeked over the little, clear, plastic crib. I looked into his eyes and it was no different then looking into the eyes of my biological children after they were born. I loved him as though I had just given birth to him. He was not made with our DNA but he was flesh of our flesh, bone of our bone. Our son. James felt it too. He was created to be in our family.
As we followed him to the NICU (it is protocol for any adoption done in that particle hospital) we ran into our birthfather. When we saw each other we immediately embraced and began to sob. We just stood there, in the hall, experiencing the moment. It was heartbreaking. I could physically feel his sorrow. Like I said earlier, I am not a "hugger" but I didn't want to let go; neither did he. Finally we let go; I said "He's gorgeous." He said "He looks just like me." Just like that we parted ways; walking in opposite directions; he away from the baby and us with our son.
I have had three c-sections myself and the time in the NICU was all new to me. I've never seen one of my babies weighed, measured, or bathed. It was amazing. He was perfect. Perfect. She did an amazing job during her pregnancy. 6 pounds, 19 inches; small, yet mighty. He was so calm. He was so gorgeous. We were on cloud nine.
Our BP (birthparents) called later to come and see them upstairs while she was in recovery. This was the time we felt appropriate to give them our gifts. We told them we prayed over Caleb before he was born and asked God for his life verse. (You can read more about that here). God gave us Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” We saw such strength and courage in our BP and we knew Caleb would be that way. We told them we loved them, respected them and were so encouraged by them. We gave our birthfather a pocket watched engraved with JOSHUA 1:9 STONG & COURAGEOUS and I made her a necklace with the definition of love (unselfish, loyal, benevolent concern for the good of another) and a stamped charm with Joshua 1:9. We wanted them to have a piece of him, and a reminder of their strength. We only stayed for a few moments and then allowed them their space to begin the healing process; both physically and emotionally.
The rest of the day was spent with Caleb. Listening to his little squeaks, moans, and breaths. He was perfect.
November 28, 2013
It was Thanksgiving. I had spent the night alone with Caleb as James had to tend to our other brood. James came to spend a quite morning with us at the hospital and we enjoyed the peace with our new baby. Throughout the course of the day I spent time with our BP. I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. I knew this may be our last chance to truly understand their hearts. Like I have said earlier, I want to make it clear of what we felt throughout our stay, but it's not possible. The fact of the matter is that the adoption was never about us. It was about Caleb. It was about this incredibly difficult, and astonishing choice these two young parents made. They made the choice not to parent their son. If you have not gone through an open adoption you can never fully recognize the heartache they experienced. Our stay was heart wrenching. We watch two people lose the thing they loved the most; their child. No words can define this. Like I said earlier, we were walking with Caleb and they were leaving him behind.
Thursday was the hardest day for all 4 of us; for James and I, and for our birthparents. I watched her writhe in pain from the c-section and from the loss she was experiencing. I cried with them as they said goodbye to him. I felt every ounce of grief with them. I knew exactly what they were doing. I felt the sting with them. It was truly devastating.
That night they both decided to come down and see him. James had to leave to take care of the other kids and it was just the three of us in the NICU room. They both chose not to hold him but stared at what God had created through them. They were able to watch me change his diaper, feed, and burp him. They told me that they could see the love I had for him and they repeated over and over again about how happy they were that they chose our family for him. They were even impressed with my "baby skills". Our birthmother than spoke about what it felt to hear him cry. She expressed that she never expected to feel such an overwhelming sense of love for him. All three of us wept together as she talked about how much she loved him. I then told her that I loved him just as much as she did. I felt it too. I couldn't help but feel that overwhelming sense of love a mother has for her child. In that moment we knew he had two mothers, and he always would. We parted ways that night and planned on saying goodbye in the morning when we were discharged with Caleb.
November 29, 2013
James and I prepared for another emotionally charged day. We knew today was the day that she would officially sign her rights to Caleb away. We prayed and waited in the morning. Our nerves were on edge, and we were so anxious to leave the hospital. Our case worker substitute (our's had gone on vacation for Thanksgiving, which definitely added stress to the entire process) come to us first for us to fill out a few things, and then headed to her room to get her signature. We waited for a call to say she was ready for us to come in and say goodbye. We never got that call. They were not feeling up to another goodbye. She was in a lot of pain, and just not up for it. I will be totally honest; I was sad. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to say thank you, again. I needed it. But it wasn't about what I needed. She needed space and time to heal. That is what she needed. So we loaded him into our car and headed home. It felt as though we were taking a limb away from them. It was devastating. Yet, at the same time it was one of the happiest moments in our life. We were headed home from the hospital with our fourth child. It was such an odd bag of emotions. I wasn't expecting joy to be muddled with such great sorrow.
There is still so much more emotion to experience as we move on with our birthparents. It is an open adoption and it is our hope to keep a relationship with them. But ultimately it is their choice. They will need time, and space to heal.
We are eternally indebted to them and their sacrifice.
Today we are enjoying our time at home with our new baby. It is still an adjustment but we couldn't be happier. He is perfect, healthy, and hungry. He is amazing and his is the perfect addition to our family. I can't imagine if we would have said "no" to God when he put the call to adopt on our hearts. We would miss each and every blessing this boy will bring to our lives.
Praise Jesus. We have now seen and experienced redemption as Christ intended it to be.