Sacrifice in Motherhood

The other day I received an email from a woman I respect in our church. She invited me to join a small group of women for an intense and exclusive Bible study that only occurs every 2 years. Needless to say, I was so honored, humbled, and excited. The other morning there was a meeting at the church to discuss what the study would further look like. I wrangled the two youngest kids and walked into the church. Of course, I'm the only one who brought kids with them. Of course, Caleb is running around, talking, whining, coughing, and smelling like poop. I'm trying to gleam all I can amidst the chaos of the two babies. It sounds amazing. The study, the women, the work that God has done through this study all sounds fabulous, and exactly what I need. After the description was stated, the logistics made it very clear I would not be able to join this year; or even in years to come. They provide no childcare and they meet on a weekday morning. I could probably jerry rig childcare, but it would take a steady commitment from the sitter. I left the meeting so upset that I had to sacrifice this study in order to be a mom of young kids.

As of late, my heart has been heavy with feelings of selfishness. I am finding myself thinking of all that I have "sacrificed" to stay at home with my kids. I have not had the career I dreamed I would, I do not contribute financially as I had thought I might. I do have Mila Jo Designs, which I use as a creative outlet, but it is nothing what I had pictured in the form of a career.

I think the title of my blog perfectly sums it up, "Life Unexpected". Life has not been what I had expected. I dreamed of many things, including children, but never expected to be a day after my 23rd birthday; and then have 3 more within 6 years. I expected to be a wife and a mother, but I also thought I might be "more". 

There are many things I don't get to enjoy now, or ever will. The future will just be filled with even more sacrifice as we have made the decision to homeschool our kids next year.

As I sat in my car wallowing, I realized the decision to homeschool would be filled with a lifetime of even more sacrifice from me. I will literally be getting another job, on top of the one I already possessed as a stay at home mom. I will be their educator as well. I can't tell you how excited I am, and honored to be able to do so! But it was that moment for me where I felt an overwhelming sense of loss of "me" and a completely new sense of who "I" am. I know my gifts, talents, likes and dislikes. I am fully aware of the woman God created me to be and I am fully aware that he has created me to be their mother, to the fullest.

I have the blessing to sweep up dirty floors, and tables. I get to be their tooth fairy, Santa Clause, kisser of the owies, and baker of cookies  I get to listen to them laugh, and argue. I have the honor to teach them to see the world through God's design. They call me mommy, and that is worth every ounce of "sacrifice". There was no "thing" I was created to do than to be their nurturing, loving, educating mommy. At the end of the day, I can tuck them into bed and know that they will notice I am there, always, for them; for that was who I am when I am at my fullest.

Getting Out the Door

~The Culprits of My Not So Leisurely Morning~

I have to admit that 4 short years ago I was quite prideful in the fact that I could get out of bed and out the door within 20 min. And I wouldn't look like a complete disaster.

Flash forward to today...wow...getting out of the door is now the bane of my existence.

This is usually what it looks like in my house...

6am- James alarm clock goes off and James takes a shower

6:15-6:30 The boys and Ella wake up

James gets the boys and I get Ella

6:30- James will turn on some cartoon for the boys and get them milk

I will nurse Ella

6:45- Diapers get changed (this is my favorite part of the morning) *note sarcasm*

6:50- I'll make the boys breakfast (and by make I mean pour a bowl of cereal or throw pancakes in the toaster or nuke oatmeal).

6:51- Make some coffee for me and offer to get some for James and tell him "sorry he has to get his own lunch together, because I didn't pack it the night before".

~awesome wife award~

6:52- Tell the boys "no" they can't have something else than what I already made for them

6:54- Tell them "no" they can't have juice and pick up Ella, cause she's getting fussing laying on the floor by herself

6:58- Tell them to stay in their chairs while they eat. Then we all kiss James good bye and he heads to work.

7:00- Pour my cup of coffee and mix with a lot of creamer

7:05- Tell them they better start eating or they'll be hungry later and to stay in their chairs and stop fighting.

7:06- "No" to juice

7:10- Go get the kid's clothes for the day

7:20- Reheat oatmeal because it's starting to get cold and tell them to eat

~yes, I'm a nag~

7:21- Tell them they better start eating and stay in their chairs and "no" they can't have juice

7:25- Try to keep Ella entertained while I am getting dressed (this does not usually include a shower, but I've found baby wipes and body spray to be my saving grace)

7:45- Tell the boys they have 5 more min to try and finish their breakfast and if they do I'll give them some juice

7:55- Have an internal debate whether or not I should let Ella have a quick nap before I have to take Josiah to school, and usually just end up dressing her and keeping her awake.

8:00- Tell the boys their hour long breakfast venture is over. They put their dishes in the sink, and tell me their still hungry (imagine that). I then run Micah under the faucet to clean him off.

8:05- After explaining to the kids why they should have ate at a quicker pace, I tell Josiah to get dressed and wrangle Micah to get him dressed (which is another highlight of my morning).

8:10- Micah is dressed but now I'm arguing with Josiah on what t-shirt I picked out for him to wear. They ask for juice (can you see the theme with the dang juice)

8:15- Put Ella someplace high where the boys can't get to her and I attempt to eat breakfast and start to drink my coffee.

8:20- Come downstairs and tell the boys to get their shoes on, only to realize Josiah is still naked. Start to lose my temper with Jo (say a quick prayer), and tell him he'll get no juice if he doesn't get dressed RIGHT NOW

8:22- Pick up Ella, she's really tired now and try to find Micah's shoes

8:28- Find Micah's shoes. And now I'm stressed because Jo is still working on getting his socks on.

Ella is crying so I put her in her carseat. Now she's screaming.

Tell Josiah to put on his shoes.

Pour juice into sippy cups for the car ride.

Tell Jo to put on his shoes.

8:35- I'm stressing out because we need to get in the car NOW. I tell the boys to go get into the garage and they are crying about wanting their juice before they get into the car. I put Ella in the car first, wrangle the boys to get in.

Make sure I have all of our bags (and I usually forget one of them).

8:38- Leave the house to drop Jo off at preschool, and realize I'm going to need to reheat my coffee when I get home, I never drank it.

And that's just the start of my day.

I'd tell you about the rest of my day, but let's be honest...it'd take forever just to read it!

P.S.

After all of this...

I wouldn't want to trade a morning like this for a morning where I get to shower and get all fancied up.

I'm pretty sure I have the best job.

Even if it means I have oatmeal stuck to my booty when I walk out the door.