Parenting a Hurting Child

This is one of the most humbling posts I will write.

When we entered the adoption process we were nothing but optimistic and hopeful. We sat in classes on bonding with your new baby and told ourselves we would have no issues bonding with our new baby. After all, we could bond with any new baby! Turns out, we were right about that. We had zero issues when it came to loving Caleb the same way we loved our biological children. It felt exactly the same when we looked into his eyes. In fact, that is one of the greatest moments of my life. Seeing him, my new son, and feeling like I had just given birth to him. The gravity of that isn't lost on me. He was created to be MY son.

However, as time has progressed there is something we took for granted and didn't allow to enter our minds.

Abandonment.

We assumed that because we brought him home from the hospital he would never know the feeling of loss. He had us from the day one. I am his mother, and I would never leave him. How could he ever feel loss?

As a baby, Caleb was a dream.

The softest, sweetest big eyed boy. A perfect baby.
As we approached the "beloved" toddler phase we began to notice a twist.

Tantrums.

Now listen, he's my fourth baby. I've dealt with my fair share of toddler tantrums. But these were different. Like, intense. I don't want to go into graphic details about my child's bad behavior so I'm just going to leave it there. Something was different. Our first initial response was to parent him the exact same way as our others. After all, he's just another one of our babies. Only time was showing that our "go to" style of disciple wasn't cutting it. His tantrums grew as fast as he did. They were beginning to show signs of deep hurt in his heart. A hurt that he is still unable to express properly.

Caleb is extremely intelligent. He has been impressibly verbal since the moment he understood words. His vocabulary is quite extensive for his age. He's four now and is our smartest up to this point. This intelligence has given him a new tactic of hurt; his words. He is the first to say "I don't love you" to me and James. The first time he uttered those words they brought me to tears. The next 30(ish) times brought me to punish him.
He can't say that! Right?? Surely he doesn't mean it! I'm his mom!

We initially began with reading "The Strong Willed Child" .
Yep! That's Caleb to a tee! 
Ok, now that we know he's just strong willed we will never let him win an argument. We will stick to our guns! He will understand he can't behave this way! I will say this about me and James, we parent nearly identically. We are both stubborn and disciplinarians. When we ask you to do something your only response is "Yes sir!". No negotiations. Armed with this new tactic we went to work. But, it wasn't working. In fact, it was making it worse.

As I began to tell my sister (who has adopted 4 kids through the foster system) she would gently tell  me that he just might be broken hearted from the placement of his adoption. I denied these ideas for a solid year.
He's just like my others. He was never hungry, or left alone. He got immense love and affection. He's extremely bonded to our family!
Now, the latter of those thoughts is a really important point I make. He truly is extremely bonded to us. He loves his siblings, and is a complete and total daddy's boy. Like, he REALLY loves his daddy. He loves snuggles, and physical touch, and lots of one-on-one time. He craves attention, and often wanders into our bed in the middle of the night. He really does love us. We are his mom and dad.

Something is still different. Something we are now working to heal. As I began digging into this I learned that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) was pivotal to babies in utero. The lack of oxytocin during pregnancy can potentially cause a child to feel unloved during it's development. A hormone that many birthmothers may not produce during the pregnancy of a child they choose to place. This information began slowly creeping into our hearts and minds. Caleb is a textbook case of feeling abandoned. He naturally wants to try to see if we will leave him as well. He fights the same way an adult does when they have feelings of this nature.
I'll push you away before you can leave me!
The words he chooses to say to us just go to show he is dying to know we will never leave him.
Now that we know his precious heart is aching, we can begin to treat it.

My sister recommended a book called "The Connceted Child".  As James read it we began to realize this is what Caleb needs. He needs an extensive amount of attention and an extra dose (or 12) of patience. One of the best tactics we use to try to deescalate his tantrums (before they get bad) is bubbles. Go figure. These darn bubbles are doing the trick. We will sit in a corner and slowly blow these shiny bubbles. Showing Caleb some breathing tricks, and giving him a way to redirect his emotions.



Yesterday I failed him. I let his words get the better of me and we all ended in tears. I think for the first time I actually believed him. I actually let Satan whisper the lie that, possibly, Caleb doesn't love me. I allowed my emotions to be run by a four year old. We all reaped the consequences of this meltdown. The three other kids were all heartbroken as well. Leaving us all in a pile of tears. It was a scene. The truth is, it's impossible to be perfectly calm and even natured with him, and yesterday I let it get to me.

God has given us the greatest gift ever. Grace. Lots and lots of grace. I have never before understood the redemptive quality of God's goodness, until I gazed into his eyes for the first time.

Caleb is redemption. 
Caleb is the perfect picture of grace. 
Caleb is a gift. 
Caleb will move mountains.

As his parents we have the responsibility to allow him to feel his grief and pain, and to find the tools to overcome them. We have been given the Holy Spirit to guide us. When I stop and listen to the voice of God I am reminded that I am Caleb's greatest tool. That God chose me and James to be his biggest advocate. We are here and will always be here to hear his heart, to listen to his pain, and to remind him that we will never leave or abandon him. Remind him that God has a great purpose for his life.

Caleb is one the the best parts of my life.
I hope that this might encourage other's of you who are struggling with child who has a broken heart.
Remember that you are the best asset in their life.

By the grace of God, I get to hear him call me "Momma" every day.

I Miss My Son's Mother

I miss my son's mother.

It has been a really rough few months with Caleb's birthparents. Our experience at the hospital was something that completely changed me and James. We saw total sacrifice, true sorrow, and hope. We wept with them and promised to take care of their son. We left the hospital thinking that we would have a really open adoption with them. Phone calls, pictures, and visits were all on the agenda; my agenda.

We didn't hear from his birthparents for the first 3 weeks of Caleb's life. I was really surprised and confused, but I knew that she needed space and time to heal. When we finally did her from her she told me she went through a period of depression and apologized for not calling sooner. I reassured her that she needed not apologize to us for anything. We spoke briefly about how he was doing and how they were doing.

I think I should mention that his birthparents are homeless. Bouncing from hotel to hotel, just trying to survive. They are so intelligent and yet so conflicted. They struggle to maintain a stable lifestyle. They are sweet, compassionate, smart, and kind…they just struggle.

As the weeks went on phone calls were incredibly sparse. A quick call here, and text there…nothing ever too deep. They were trying to make it from day to day, just keep it together. My case worker calls it living "crisis to crisis". They only called when in "crisis mode". My heart was incredibly heavy after each phone call. I was constantly worried about them; their safely, security, and happiness.

Then, the calls began to become more and more frequent; crisis to crisis. They were really starting to panic. They were running out of money and connections in Colorado and becoming desperate for a way out. They needed to go back to Florida. The phone call I received telling me they were leaving Colorado and heading to Florida was extremely heartbreaking. I hung the phone up and began to weep.

They have been in Florida for over a month now and I have only spoken to her once. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I thought about her all day. I prayed for her, that she was happy and that she felt loved. I called her and sent her a photo of the gorgeous son she created. I wanted her to know that yesterday wasn't just for me, but it was for her too. She loved Caleb before I did. She was his mother first. She is kind, gentle, caring, loving and generous and I miss her.

I long for her to know about every first Caleb has; for her to hear his sweet giggle. That is what I want, but I know that she needs time and space to heal. I know that she loves Caleb and wants to hear about everything, but her heart can't handle it. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult yesterday may have been for her, but her decision did not go unnoticed. Our lives are better with Caleb in it. Yesterday was one of the best Mother's Days I've had yet. I can thank her for that.

4 Months

Sweet Caleb…

This boy is crazy good looking! 

And happy as can be. 

4 month stats
:Probably nearing 14-15 lbs (I should take him in for his check up!)
:Smiling all the time
:Rolling from tummy to back
:Laughing (it's adorable…eek!)
:Clasping and Chewing on Hands
:Eating 5 oz every 3 hours and getting super fat
:Noticing his hands and toys
:Sleeping through the night
:Takes horrible naps 20-40 min 3 times a day

He is loving his siblings (especially Josiah), and wiggles whenever he finds them.




When I took this photo I had no idea how tired I look…all…the…time. At least he looks tired too. Naps anyone?

One of the best things about this baby is how much he loves me. I wrote earlier about attachment and adoption and this smile leaves no doubt on how feels about me.
He is such a mommy's boy, maybe more so than any of my other babies. I was so worried that not nursing him would hinder our relationship, but that is not even close to the truth.
I love the following photo because my feet are in it. This is how he looks each time I walk near him.

I also love how often I hear how much he looks just like me. Our complexion, eye color and lips do seem to be so similar. It's so amazing how well he fits with us. He was created to be in our family. So blessed…so, so blessed.

Bonding with my Adopted Son

When we began our adoption journey I remember sitting in class listening to a talk about connecting with your baby. The case workers warned us that we might have a hard time connecting with our new child, as we didn't grow them in our bellies.
I thought this was so silly. I knew what it felt like to connect with a newborn. It's the most precious thing and I knew the bond was instantaneous. To hold your child for the first time feels like nothing else.
When we looked at Caleb for the first time, we bonded instantly, just as I thought we would. I viewed him the exact same way as I viewed my other babies.

But as time went on, things were definitely different with him.
I was not nursing him.

It seems like such a little thing, but my soul yearned to have this connection with him. With my other babies the moment they touched my skin they went crazy with adorable, bird-like rooting. Caleb never did that. It made me so sad for him. I felt sad that he didn't have the opportunity to bond with me through nursing. I would look into his eyes as he was bottle feeding and felt sad for him. I thought he deserved to be nursed by the woman who gave him life.

I understand that this thought is not logical, it is emotional. I knew that we were bonding and I knew he loved me as his mommy. But I just didn't know if he knew I was his mother. I loved him so much, just as much as my other children, I just had a sadness for him. I was not sad to be his mother, I was elated.

One of the most common things people would say to us is how lucky Caleb was to have us as his family. This never sat quite right to me, I knew we were the ones who were blessed to have him in our lives. Here is the thing I have learned about adoption through Caleb: it is second best.

I truly believe that when God designed family he created it to be two parents creating a life and raising that child together, as a family. When sin entered the world that changed everything. With that, adoption was formed. While adoption may not be what God originally designed, he then designed it to be beautiful. It is amazing that we are allowed to be part of this perfect baby's life. We feel overwhelmed with joy to be his parents. I know that his life will be so much fuller now that he is our son. But I can't help but feel sad for the fact that his birthparents didn't have the capacity to raise him. They are so sweet, loving, caring, and compassionate. They are just broken and unable to raise him the way he deserves. As a result of their love for him we get to enjoy the life they created.

The feelings of sadness dissipated immediately one afternoon. Often I will take the kids to play at James' school. They love to run around with the other kids in his PE classes. I was sitting on the gym floor with him in my lap. He was gazing into my eyes and smiled. At that moment my heart felt so full I started to tear up. I knew in that moment what he had been feeling the entire time; I was his mommy. He loved me as his mother and he was my son. That smile was all that I needed to know and understand the beauty of adoption. That he was made to be my child. He was made to be in our family and part of our legacy.

I am not sad for him anymore. I know he loves being here with us. I know his birthparents are grateful for our family. I know that forever our lives are better because of adoption. I cannot even begin to imagine what our family would be like had we have chosen to ignore the calling to adopt. We are so blessed. So, so blessed.

Plus….oh my gosh….he's so stinking adorable!

12 Weeks

Today Caleb is 12 weeks.

I know that with each child time seems to slip by faster and faster; but wow!

I am trying to catch my breath from the rush of life, but I can honestly say I have enjoyed nearly every second with this sweet boy. He is so mild, sweet, and easygoing. I just love him so much!

I think it's safe to say *fingers crossed* he is now sleeping through the night.
I can't express how truly easy this baby is. I think I have had an extremelly challenging baby (Josiah with his horrific acid reflux/colic), two others who have been quite "normal"; and now Caleb, who I literally can wrap him up and put him in the swing and he is out without a fuss, only crying when he's hungry.

His smiles are intoxicating and gigantic. His eyes are bright and gigantic. He is such a handsome boy.
Not quite sure of his weight, but he is sure getting chubby! Nearly eating up to 5 oz at each feeding.
He is still eating nearly all breast milk. He is so blessed with sweet, compassionate, and generous women who donate their milk. He rarely spits up and is happy after bottles; giving me his best smiles after feedings.

He loves the chaos that comes with our family. He loves to watch the kids play (we keep him at a safe distance). Micah and Ella are always asking to hold him, and kiss him, and feed him. Josiah is the best help I can find…he will feed him his bottle nearly every school morning while I pack his lunches. I can't explain how helpful older siblings can be!

Micah thought it was nice to share his ring with Caleb. 

This boy is also quite strong! He even started rolling over at 11 weeks. I was fortunate enough to actually catch it on film! Woo Hoo!

Needless to say, we are enjoying this baby so much. Life is quite crazy, quite stressful, and quite messy…but I am trying to soak it up as much as possible!

Having fun and laughing as much as possible…after all if we don't laugh at the chaos we all might start to cry…

Happy 12 weeks, Caleb! So happy to have you in our life!

Life

Not a lot of words to go along with this post.

Just a photo. 

A perfect summary of what life looks/feels like right now.

Haha…I laugh every time at Micah's face.

That boy….

Caleb {2 Months}

The 4th kid has really done me in. I've been so bad about documenting Caleb. Geesh!

So I'm long overdue for an update on our sweet son.

Today he is 2 months old.

He is doing amazing. He is over 10lbs (over 4.5 pound weight gain since birth). He is really mellow, only crying when hungry or tired. Giving us some smiles (and managing to melt all of our hearts). He loves to look at bright lights with his gigantic eyes. His birthmother has the most gorgeous eyes and I'm super excited that he seems to have inherited that trait.
The kids are amazing with him; always wanting to hold him and kiss him. Josiah is amazing and can feed him while I attend to other chores.
He is sleeping pretty well, while only waking up around 2am just to get a little snack and then right back to sleep until around 5 or 6. I can handle that!
He is cooing and being crazy cute. We are so blessed!
Here's a recap of our sweet boy from the past couple of months!

 (Ok….literally after I snapped this photo Micah started to RUN away with Caleb…that boy….hahaha)

We are sleep deprived so blessed. Seriously….adoption may be the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Thank you Lord.