The Grief of Miscarriage

I  have never had a miscarriage.

This is a statement I don't take flippantly. Statistics will show that 31% of pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. That is nearly 1 out of 3 women. Devastating. The loss of a child is never something to be brushed off, or ignored.

It is a life, gone too early. As we see it, they never received the chance to be who God intended them to be. It is not a ball of tissue, randomly placed together inside of a womb. It is a person.

That baby had life.

My sister miscarried their precious baby about a week ago. It is a brutal loss. Any loss of a child is brutal. In a perfect world, babies don't die.

They gave the baby the name Salem Lael (Peace, Belonging to God). Salem lost their sweet little life at just 9 weeks in utero. Rachel, my sister, began to suspect something wasn't right around her 10 week mark. Going in for her ultrasound, they detected no heartbeat. Sweet baby Salem was gone.

Make no mistake, that baby was loved and was created with great purpose. We live in a fallen world where death doesn't play fair, and will take an innocent baby.

Salem leaves a great testimony. My sister labored in the tub and gave birth to a perfectly intact baby. This is rare. This is a miracle to be able to hold a child that small.

Below are a couple of photos of sweet Salem, at just 9 weeks old. This is the beauty of early life.

These photos were taken with my iPhone and I regret not having my camera on hand. I had no idea what I was about to witness.

Meet Salem.

It is a miraculous thing.

You can clearly see their eyes, ears, mouth, arms, legs and a nose.
This is only at 9 weeks. Many women don't even realize they are pregnant at this stage.

Friends, life is precious.
Savor the miracle of life as you hold your littles. 
Comfort those who cannot.

For those of you who have experienced a great loss, I am so sorry.
Your grief is not lost on me.

Ps 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

4 Months

Sweet Caleb…

This boy is crazy good looking! 

And happy as can be. 

4 month stats
:Probably nearing 14-15 lbs (I should take him in for his check up!)
:Smiling all the time
:Rolling from tummy to back
:Laughing (it's adorable…eek!)
:Clasping and Chewing on Hands
:Eating 5 oz every 3 hours and getting super fat
:Noticing his hands and toys
:Sleeping through the night
:Takes horrible naps 20-40 min 3 times a day

He is loving his siblings (especially Josiah), and wiggles whenever he finds them.




When I took this photo I had no idea how tired I look…all…the…time. At least he looks tired too. Naps anyone?

One of the best things about this baby is how much he loves me. I wrote earlier about attachment and adoption and this smile leaves no doubt on how feels about me.
He is such a mommy's boy, maybe more so than any of my other babies. I was so worried that not nursing him would hinder our relationship, but that is not even close to the truth.
I love the following photo because my feet are in it. This is how he looks each time I walk near him.

I also love how often I hear how much he looks just like me. Our complexion, eye color and lips do seem to be so similar. It's so amazing how well he fits with us. He was created to be in our family. So blessed…so, so blessed.

12 Weeks

Today Caleb is 12 weeks.

I know that with each child time seems to slip by faster and faster; but wow!

I am trying to catch my breath from the rush of life, but I can honestly say I have enjoyed nearly every second with this sweet boy. He is so mild, sweet, and easygoing. I just love him so much!

I think it's safe to say *fingers crossed* he is now sleeping through the night.
I can't express how truly easy this baby is. I think I have had an extremelly challenging baby (Josiah with his horrific acid reflux/colic), two others who have been quite "normal"; and now Caleb, who I literally can wrap him up and put him in the swing and he is out without a fuss, only crying when he's hungry.

His smiles are intoxicating and gigantic. His eyes are bright and gigantic. He is such a handsome boy.
Not quite sure of his weight, but he is sure getting chubby! Nearly eating up to 5 oz at each feeding.
He is still eating nearly all breast milk. He is so blessed with sweet, compassionate, and generous women who donate their milk. He rarely spits up and is happy after bottles; giving me his best smiles after feedings.

He loves the chaos that comes with our family. He loves to watch the kids play (we keep him at a safe distance). Micah and Ella are always asking to hold him, and kiss him, and feed him. Josiah is the best help I can find…he will feed him his bottle nearly every school morning while I pack his lunches. I can't explain how helpful older siblings can be!

Micah thought it was nice to share his ring with Caleb. 

This boy is also quite strong! He even started rolling over at 11 weeks. I was fortunate enough to actually catch it on film! Woo Hoo!

Needless to say, we are enjoying this baby so much. Life is quite crazy, quite stressful, and quite messy…but I am trying to soak it up as much as possible!

Having fun and laughing as much as possible…after all if we don't laugh at the chaos we all might start to cry…

Happy 12 weeks, Caleb! So happy to have you in our life!

Life

Not a lot of words to go along with this post.

Just a photo. 

A perfect summary of what life looks/feels like right now.

Haha…I laugh every time at Micah's face.

That boy….

Our Journey To Adoption {Why We Chose Adoption}

"So is this your first child?"
"No, he will be our fourth." 
"Oh. Wow." {Insert a look of shock here}

This is the conversation we had over and over again when going through our adoption of Caleb. {You can read more of his story here and here}. I can't blame people for the looks they gave us. We are so young, and so "full" already. Yes, we are crazy. We know it, we're not blind to the fact that four kids is A LOT of kids.
Yes, we can have more children. But we didn't want to have more children.
We wanted to adopt. We were called to adopt.

I have always wanted to adopt. During high school I can even remember thinking that one day I would love to have children through adoption. When I fell in love with James and we began talking about family, adoption was always in the discussion. We have always known one day we would.
Ideally we wanted to have Josiah then adopt. God had very different plans for our family. We got pregnant with Micah when Josiah was only 7 months old. Financially the funds were just not available until now.
I just love that God is supreme. His timing is perfect. Caleb is perfect for us. 5 years ago there would be no Caleb.

There was never a time when James and I felt God pulling on our hearts at the same time. We discussed getting the basement finished first, getting a mini van, waiting until the kids were older. It was not until last November God spoke to both of us at the same moment. "Now."
We were terrified to begin. We knew how people would view us.
Crazy. Financially irresponsible.

They are right. We are crazy, and financially "irresponsible" (by the way.it was never our money to begin with)… God has called us to follow him at all costs. He promised us that if follow his will, he will bless us. He has promised to make the adoption happen. We chose to obey this calling on our lives.
He has come through in bigger ways than I can even express.
Yes, he provided every cent of cost of adoption for us.
The most amazing thing he has provided through this is Caleb.

His parents were broken, needy and hurt. They were not following Christ and yet, through God's redemption Caleb was born perfect.
We look at his sweet, perfect face and see God's grace. His love for us is overwhelming.

If we would have chosen to say "no" when God put this calling in our hearts we would not have reaped all of the blessings that Caleb will bring to our lives. We would have missed out on God's divine plan. I believe that God would have taken care of Caleb, but I also think he would have let another family reap the blessings that were intended for our family.

I know this incredibly wise, and godly woman who gave me this advice one time.
God was asking her to do something she didn't want to do. She asked God "What if I say 'no'." She said God answered with, "I will find somebody who will say yes."
I can't tell you how much this struck me. It stuck to my soul. If we say no, God will make it happen without us. Did I want to be the woman who says "no" to him. No, I sure don't. I want to experience God's plan, purpose, and grace.
I have never understood redemption more than I do at this moment.

If you ever get a chance to read Francis Chan's Crazy Love I highly suggest you read it.
God loves crazy. If we are following God's calling for our lives, people will look at us likes we're nuts. It's then we know we're not of this world. We are in it, but doing our part to change his kingdom forever.
So yes. We're crazy, irresponsible, impulsive, and busy. I've become scatter brained, excessively tired, and unshowered. My house is messy, my kids aren't bathed, and they are currently living off of chicken nuggets and raisins.
We wouldn't have it any other way.
Now we have Caleb. They have a new brother. Forever.
Adoption is worth all costs.

Newborn Photos

I will not need to say much for these photos.
I'll just mention that my heart is so full today.
I could not love Caleb any more than I do right now.
Praise Jesus for all he has done for our family.

We…Are...

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James and I have been anxiously awaiting the moment when we could publicly announce our upcoming adoption.

We are so happy to have felt God's tug on our hearts to add to our family through adoption!

The kids are so excited too.

We just heard the news that our profiles are live… and now the wait begins…the wait to be chosen by our birthmother.

We have chosen to adopt through Bethany Christian Services with an infant domestic adoption.

We are praying and trusting God right now.

If you have a free moment we would so appreciate your prayers too!

Check out our video and profile online and feel free to SHARE SHARE SHARE it!
Thanks!

More details to come later. 

:: Elated right now ::

Giving Our Kids A Vision

James and I love to sit down and talk about our kids.
Not just how they acted throughout the day, or what they did. But more of who they are, and who they may become.

Before they were born we chose a life verse for them. We have prayed these verses over them, taught them, and they have memorized them (minus the 1 year old of course).

This wasn't something that we struggled to figure out how to do together, it's just something that we love to do. We love to look at the qualities God has given our children and imagine what He may do with those.

Then we share those positive qualities with the kids. We tell them that they are bold, compassionate, caring, funny, strong, or smart. We tell them the ways that they can use these qualities now, while they are young.

We know that by putting these thoughts into their minds, they will be thinking of the greatness they could accomplish. When we tell them they are naughty, rude, or unkind their minds are filled with these things. We want our children to grow up knowing that we see the good in them, even when they are acting badly.

Here's some really practical ways we do this.

1. Choose A Life Verse
For Josiah we chose 1 Timothy 6:11 (the latter part) "Pursue rightness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness". (He always adds "Fight the good fight for God!)
For Micah 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." (And he adds "Fight the good fight for God!)
For Ella Matthew 5:14,16  "You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise you're heavenly Father."

A good way to start to look for some of these verses is to ask people what their favorite verses might be and why. Or here's a great site full of life verses. 
Read them to your kids, and have them memorize them. Speak this truth into them, and let it soak in. 
We see these verses beginning to show throughout their personalities even now. 

2. Look for their Strong Qualities and Encourage Them
For example Josiah can be very shy, quite, and sensitive. If you just took those qualities at face value you would miss all of the wonderful things that they have to offer. He is a great listener, he is compliant, and he is full of compassion. We tell him that we see these wonderful qualities in him and we praise him when he acts compassionately toward somebody else.

3. Encourage their "Bad" Qualities for the Better

My sweet Micah can tend to be loud, defiant, and super stubborn. It is so easy to look at this and be frustrated and annoyed by this strong personality. But when I'm  an engaged parent I can look at these and tell Micah that even though his behavior is not okay now, one day he will grow to be a bold man of God. We can tell Micah that  because he doesn't care how others think of him, he can be bold for Christ despite persecution. 

4. Tell Them Professions They May Love 

Josiah always talks about wanting to be a superhero. Help others, save them, and fight for them. James and I have talked about how we can see Josiah becoming an activist. Speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves. I can see him doing a lot of humble, volunteer work for the needy. When I see his compassion showing through, I'll say things to him like; "Wow Jo, you care about people so much. Maybe one day you will be a doctor, or a teacher. You will be such a people lover!"

5. Teach them to Pray

Our kids have learned a little song that we sing around the dinner table. It gives thanks to God in a easy way to remember. But as they begin to grow we want them to learn how to pray. It's crucial that they understand how to speak to God on their own. We teach them that they don't need to be kneeling beside their bed, or even have their eyes closed. Prayer is constant communication with God. Just as you would speak to a friend, speak to God. We have also taught them to pray for those we love, and those who are needy and unfortunate. We do make them pray even when they don't want to. It's critical they understand the importance and the power of prayer.

6. Teach them to Love Others First

Doesn't it just melt your heart when you see your child share a toy all of their own accord. When Micah runs up to one of his friends and says; "look I found the yellow Batman, you can have it first"; it brings a sense of pride to me even though it doesn't happen often…yet. We try to be diligent in teaching them the "why" behind our actions. We try to instill empathy, and love, and compassion into their tiny, little, moldable minds. We tell them why it hurts people when you take their toy, or say something stupid unkind. Teaching them love at this young age will hopefully stick with them as they grow into adults. Love is powerful, love can change the world. Just look at Jesus!

Don't get me wrong! I'm not always doing this with them. Sometimes I'm throwing them in their rooms for being naughty, without explaining to them about the vision of their future. Life is messy, busy, and dramatic. It is impossible for me to always see the good in the bad, but when I strive to do so, I find I'm a much more compassionate mother. When Josiah comes to me being way too oversensitive crying about his feelings, it's not always practical for me to say; "Oh JoJo, you are going to be such a compassionate man of God." It's just not going to happen all the time. But sitting down with James and talking about the tantrums and being able to find the good in them, it saves our sanity and gives us a glimmer of hope. 

I want to encourage you to do the same with your kids. It is fun to picture them grown, and serving the Lord…and not behind bars. 

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The Many Faces Of My Babies

Babies make have the cutest faces. They can be so expressive.

I have never been able to delete the multitude of "same shot" photos from my computer. 

I will sit there in front of my kids snapping away until I get one picture of their "cute face".

But when I've uploaded them onto my computer, I find it impossible to delete all the other ones I've taken. 

Josiah at 4 months old.

He had refulx and he wasn't the happiest baby, so getting pics of him smiling was really hard : (

I've never know what to do with all of those pictures I've taken. I don't scrapbook. 

I may one day…but it's not today.

So when I found that I could just cut and paste them all together I thought this was the perfect way to get all my favorite face pictures next to each other.

 Micah Brian at 4 months old.

He was by far my fattest baby. 

Ella Beverly at 8 months old. 

Happy as can be!

And here's where I can see God's fingerprint every day!
I am just so thankful for modern technology! 

Here's to memory preservation!