Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Sacrifice in Motherhood

The other day I received an email from a woman I respect in our church. She invited me to join a small group of women for an intense and exclusive Bible study that only occurs every 2 years. Needless to say, I was so honored, humbled, and excited. The other morning there was a meeting at the church to discuss what the study would further look like. I wrangled the two youngest kids and walked into the church. Of course, I'm the only one who brought kids with them. Of course, Caleb is running around, talking, whining, coughing, and smelling like poop. I'm trying to gleam all I can amidst the chaos of the two babies. It sounds amazing. The study, the women, the work that God has done through this study all sounds fabulous, and exactly what I need. After the description was stated, the logistics made it very clear I would not be able to join this year; or even in years to come. They provide no childcare and they meet on a weekday morning. I could probably jerry rig childcare, but it would take a steady commitment from the sitter. I left the meeting so upset that I had to sacrifice this study in order to be a mom of young kids.

As of late, my heart has been heavy with feelings of selfishness. I am finding myself thinking of all that I have "sacrificed" to stay at home with my kids. I have not had the career I dreamed I would, I do not contribute financially as I had thought I might. I do have Mila Jo Designs, which I use as a creative outlet, but it is nothing what I had pictured in the form of a career.

I think the title of my blog perfectly sums it up, "Life Unexpected". Life has not been what I had expected. I dreamed of many things, including children, but never expected to be a day after my 23rd birthday; and then have 3 more within 6 years. I expected to be a wife and a mother, but I also thought I might be "more". 

There are many things I don't get to enjoy now, or ever will. The future will just be filled with even more sacrifice as we have made the decision to homeschool our kids next year.

As I sat in my car wallowing, I realized the decision to homeschool would be filled with a lifetime of even more sacrifice from me. I will literally be getting another job, on top of the one I already possessed as a stay at home mom. I will be their educator as well. I can't tell you how excited I am, and honored to be able to do so! But it was that moment for me where I felt an overwhelming sense of loss of "me" and a completely new sense of who "I" am. I know my gifts, talents, likes and dislikes. I am fully aware of the woman God created me to be and I am fully aware that he has created me to be their mother, to the fullest.

I have the blessing to sweep up dirty floors, and tables. I get to be their tooth fairy, Santa Clause, kisser of the owies, and baker of cookies  I get to listen to them laugh, and argue. I have the honor to teach them to see the world through God's design. They call me mommy, and that is worth every ounce of "sacrifice". There was no "thing" I was created to do than to be their nurturing, loving, educating mommy. At the end of the day, I can tuck them into bed and know that they will notice I am there, always, for them; for that was who I am when I am at my fullest.

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