Monday, May 12, 2014

I Miss My Son's Mother

I miss my son's mother.

It has been a really rough few months with Caleb's birthparents. Our experience at the hospital was something that completely changed me and James. We saw total sacrifice, true sorrow, and hope. We wept with them and promised to take care of their son. We left the hospital thinking that we would have a really open adoption with them. Phone calls, pictures, and visits were all on the agenda; my agenda.

We didn't hear from his birthparents for the first 3 weeks of Caleb's life. I was really surprised and confused, but I knew that she needed space and time to heal. When we finally did her from her she told me she went through a period of depression and apologized for not calling sooner. I reassured her that she needed not apologize to us for anything. We spoke briefly about how he was doing and how they were doing.

I think I should mention that his birthparents are homeless. Bouncing from hotel to hotel, just trying to survive. They are so intelligent and yet so conflicted. They struggle to maintain a stable lifestyle. They are sweet, compassionate, smart, and kind…they just struggle.

As the weeks went on phone calls were incredibly sparse. A quick call here, and text there…nothing ever too deep. They were trying to make it from day to day, just keep it together. My case worker calls it living "crisis to crisis". They only called when in "crisis mode". My heart was incredibly heavy after each phone call. I was constantly worried about them; their safely, security, and happiness.

Then, the calls began to become more and more frequent; crisis to crisis. They were really starting to panic. They were running out of money and connections in Colorado and becoming desperate for a way out. They needed to go back to Florida. The phone call I received telling me they were leaving Colorado and heading to Florida was extremely heartbreaking. I hung the phone up and began to weep.

They have been in Florida for over a month now and I have only spoken to her once. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I thought about her all day. I prayed for her, that she was happy and that she felt loved. I called her and sent her a photo of the gorgeous son she created. I wanted her to know that yesterday wasn't just for me, but it was for her too. She loved Caleb before I did. She was his mother first. She is kind, gentle, caring, loving and generous and I miss her.

I long for her to know about every first Caleb has; for her to hear his sweet giggle. That is what I want, but I know that she needs time and space to heal. I know that she loves Caleb and wants to hear about everything, but her heart can't handle it. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult yesterday may have been for her, but her decision did not go unnoticed. Our lives are better with Caleb in it. Yesterday was one of the best Mother's Days I've had yet. I can thank her for that.


Rachel said...

Truly touching. You have such a kind and compassionate heart. I love that Caleb boy, and I love your sweet Jo, Micah and Ella.

Marie Dudrey said...

Bethany, your love, care and concern for Caleb's birthmother is beyond touching to me... I'm a birthmother too. To this day, that decision was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Even though, I know it was best for my daughter and I know she had a better life than with me at the time, I don't know if I could do it again... My heart aches reading your sweet words for Caleb's mother. It would have been such a gift to have an adoptive mother like you on the other side of my story.

Nicole Wilson said...

Sweet Bethany, I don't know how your ginormous heart fits inside your body. You have so much genuine compassion for Caleb's birthparents and want the very best for them and for the son they gave to your family. Even if they don't tell you now (or ever for that matter), Caleb's birthparents have surely been touched, changed eternally by your loving words and the amazing act of giving their son what they couldn't at the time. Your kingdom work that reaches so much farther than your own household is just beautiful. <3